Over the years, although intermittently, I am still painting#
Although I studied science in high school, a minor language in college, and entered the internet industry after graduation, I have never had a relationship with painting. However, I am very happy that over the years, intermittently, I am still painting.
I flipped through various paintings I did from high school to university in my album, including various artifacts from museums, various ancient buildings, illustrations from ancient books, my daily outfits, various recipes I drew when I first learned to cook, daily sketches in my planner, various fans, flowers and plants, and landscapes with people...
However, due to various reasons, I hadn't painted for two or three years. Fortunately, last summer, I finally picked up the brush again and started copying ancient paintings with Aqi. I began practicing the most basic trees, leaves, mountains, and stones, moving from the "Jiesiyuan Painting Manual" to "Lu Kunfeng's Orchid and Bamboo Manual," from Shen Zhou and Wen Zhengming to Shitao and Hongren, from Chen Chun and Zhou Zhimian to Yun Shouping and Xu Wei, going from struggling to paint a tree to daring to attempt a three-meter-long scroll.
I made many attempts that I previously would not have dared to try, whether in terms of subject matter or style. I felt my vision and perspective were constantly expanding, and I realized that I should not easily limit my abilities. Many things that I once feared or resisted might become wonderful after a deeper understanding.
For example, the relatively complex Song paintings were something I would never have attempted before. I always thought my impatient nature suited painting in a freehand style, with just a few strokes, not seeking resemblance but rather spirit. If I encountered something that required patience to paint, I would just hastily blur it out. Unexpectedly, while painting Ma Yuan's "Leisurely Singing Under the Pine," once I got into the zone, I suddenly found joy in painting those intricate pine needles and bamboo leaves, layering colors one after another, from deep to light, from small to large. The process was very healing, and once I found the rhythm, I not only didn't feel tortured but instead felt very relaxed. My understanding of myself also updated; it turned out that even a person as impatient as me could calm down.
Although I had previously made many attempts at different types of paintings within my comfort zone, I now realize that I unconsciously set many boundaries for myself.
This belief can probably be applied to work and life, giving me more courage and perseverance to test the boundaries of my potential.
In painting, following curiosity, walking and stopping#
In this moment immersed in painting, my distracting thoughts and irritations seem to have disappeared. All I need to think about is how to paint the next stroke, focusing on feeling the dryness and richness of the ink, the rhythm of the brushstrokes, and the interplay of space. Such focused and immersive moments are very precious to me.
I really enjoy the joy and satisfaction that painting brings from the bottom of my heart. I feel that painting is like a world detached from real life, allowing me to calm my restless and utilitarian heart for a moment and providing me with a lot of inner strength.
Growing up in a suppressive educational environment, I really need such positive feedback, rather than always trying to prove something in a confrontational or pleasing manner.
I love these relaxed moments, this kind of spontaneous emptiness outside of my schedule, without a strong sense of purpose, just following curiosity, walking and stopping. In such moments, it seems I have the courage to not fear the future and not dwell on the past.
In this moment detached from reality, I am free#
I quite like these two sentences by Ni Zan: "What I call a painter is merely a casual brush, not seeking resemblance, just for self-entertainment." Using the brush casually, it appears innocent; using the brush with vigor is to follow the method... One must not seek precision, for precision brings about a mechanical spirit.
My original intention of learning to paint was probably similar. When I picked up the brush again last year, I didn't have too many utilitarian goals; I wasn't too concerned about the results. More so, it was to rescue myself, who was on the verge of collapse due to work stress, like grabbing a lifeline.
I didn't care much about whether my copying looked like the original, which instead gave me a very relaxed mindset, without too much psychological burden. I didn't impose too many constraints and limitations on myself, seemingly temporarily putting aside the "perfectionism" of a Libra that is overly critical and constrained, and I became much more tolerant of myself. I no longer tried to fit myself into a mold, nor did I overanalyze myself. Instead, I became bolder in putting brush to paper and trying new things, with low expectations, which led to many surprises during the process.
Regardless of how well I paint, I tell myself that this is my uniqueness, my style. In painting, there are no performance metrics, and there is no right or wrong. This repeated positive feedback has softened the edges of my always "black and white" dualistic perspective, making me more inclusive and diverse, no longer always judging myself with a so-called standard, or even unconsciously disciplining myself.
Such a relaxed state is actually not common for me. In my life and work, I often have a strong sense of purpose, too eager for quick results, too restless, too focused on so-called efficiency, and too calculating about gains and losses, even anxious about what I might lose. I think these small changes are probably more valuable and rare to me than so-called painting skills or art history.
So in this moment of painting, temporarily detached from reality, I am free. I think this mindset can gradually be tried to be applied to life and work, allowing me to see others, let go of myself, and become more open-minded.
Painting is also something that can remove many labels from me. I no longer have to be compared within any evaluation system. When I pick up the brush, I am just me. In such moments, I am no longer a graduate of a certain school or major, nor am I an employee of a certain company. I don't have to care about others' needs and thoughts; I can express myself freely. It has a sense of returning to simplicity, forgetting the various disturbances of real life, just like Lu You's line, "The seagull and I forget our machines."
Keep painting, paint more of what I want to paint#
Day after day, working in a fast-paced city, sometimes I feel lost and empty. However, thinking about the existence of painting, which brings me so much passion, and having friends like Aqi who share the same interests, I still gather my spirits to continue earning money and saving, hoping for more choices in the future, to do what I love more freely, and to realize my small dreams. I think there is nothing more worthwhile than investing in my dreams.
In the winter of the year before last, I went to the CITIC bookstore to listen to Yushan talk about his painting journey, listening to how he draws inspiration from ancient paintings, how he uses his brush to record those constantly disappearing scenes, and how he travels through mountains and rivers, then incorporates them into his paintings. The happiest moment was when I asked him to write "Wild Grass" on the back cover of the book.
Perhaps inspired by Yushan at that time, I actually started copying ancient paintings last year, began learning art history, and started hiking. Looking back now, I feel that I should really thank that trip where I took three subway lines from the suburbs to the city to attend that lecture.
May I still remember the path I took and continue to paint, painting more of what I want to paint.
Thinking of this, I feel empowered.
Finally, I selected some paintings I did in the past#
Fans#
These two fans were painted in my first year of work as gifts for my friends. I was quite nervous while painting, even a bit apprehensive. Fortunately, I received very positive feedback from both friends, which made me happy for a while:
"The fan painted by hand has significant commemorative meaning, and the ink's imprint through the paper is truly lovely."
"When I opened the box, I was almost stunned. It's small and exquisite, understated yet poetic, and the subtle fragrance is very appealing. Amazing!"
Books#
This is a set of works that I quite like. The way I painted the little people and the books was inspired by Yushan's brushwork. In the second piece, the poetry was copied using a beautiful brush from the Qing Dynasty's Daoguang period's inner court's Zhu Silk Railing edition of "The Book of Songs." I found this ancient book on a website called Shuge, where you can read many exquisite ancient books for free. I really like the introduction on the homepage of the website:
Shuge is a free and open online ancient book library dedicated to sharing, introducing, and recommending valuable ancient books and artworks, and encourages the digitization and archiving of cultural and artistic works. Through this plan, we hope everyone can freely and freely appreciate those hard-to-find books and artworks, and feel the progress of human civilization.
The third piece was painted after visiting the Beijing Book Fair at Chaoyang Park in 2021. I happened to see an ancient book called "Peach Blossom Fan" at a stall on Kongfuzi's Old Book Network and thought it was beautiful. However, the price was too high, so I took a photo and went home to paint it. "Peach Blossom Fan" is also a work I really like, especially the unforgettable scene of Li Xiangjun staining the peach blossom fan with blood, just as Cao Xueqin wrote in "Dream of the Red Chamber":
If born in a noble and wealthy family, one would be a lovesick fool; if born in a family of scholars and poets, one would be an elegant recluse; even if born in a humble family, one cannot be a mere servant, willingly subjected to the control of mediocrity, but must strive to be extraordinary. Just like the likes of Xu You, Tao Qian, Ruan Ji, Ji Kang, Liu Ling, the Wang and Xie families, Gu Hutou, Chen Houzhu, Tang Minghuang, Song Huizong, Liu Tingzhi, Wen Feiqing, Mi Nangong, Shi Manqing, Liu Qiqing, Qin Shaoyou, and more recently, Ni Yunlin, Tang Bohu, Zhu Zhishan, and even Li Guinian, Huang Banchuo, Jing Xinmo, Zhuo Wenjun, Hong Fu, Xue Tao, Cui Ying, and Zhao Yun, all of whom would be the same if placed in different circumstances.
Architecture#
In college, I copied some ancient buildings from the "Jiesiyuan Painting Manual." Since I studied in Xi'an, I occasionally visited ancient sites, and when I encountered favorite ancient buildings, I would paint them.
After starting work in Beijing, the cultural resources here are quite rich. The most impressive exhibition I attended was the "Pillars—Exhibition of Liang Sicheng's 120th Anniversary" at Tsinghua University Art Museum. After the exhibition, I listened to a podcast where curator Wang Nan and Liu Liu from Reading Library discussed it, and I also watched a documentary about Liang Lin. Not only did I gain a deeper understanding of the "Pillars" exhibition, but I also gained new insights into Liang Sicheng's research in architectural history.
Liang Sicheng did not limit himself to being an architect; what he wanted to do was to protect cultural heritage, to pass on Chinese culture, to organize national history, and to recreate civilization. Many places mentioned in that podcast are ones I definitely want to visit and paint in the future, such as the Song Dynasty wooden structures in Zhengding, the Guanyin Pavilion in Dule Temple in Tianjin, and the Fogong Temple in Wutai Mountain...
Then I began reading books related to architecture and urban planning, such as Wang Jun's "City Records," Liang Sicheng's "A Pictorial History of Chinese Architecture," Liu Dunzhen's "Classical Gardens of Suzhou," and Lu Ming's "Great Nation, Great City" and "Centripetal Cities." Although my reading process was not systematic and I didn't seek deep understanding, I still quite enjoy this spontaneous and non-utilitarian reading.
Exhibitions#
I volunteered at the Shaanxi History Museum and the Xi'an Beilin Museum during college, which probably sparked my interest in cultural heritage. I still remember the joy I felt the first time I saw an exhibit I liked at the Shaanxi Museum, even though each round trip took nearly three hours. During nearly a semester of assessments, I would almost take the 616 bus to the museum every week, staying from opening to closing, practicing with the artifacts over and over.
After graduation, I chose to come to Beijing, partly because I felt the cultural and artistic atmosphere here would be richer. Over the past two years, I have seen many unforgettable exhibitions and ancient buildings, and I used the money I saved in my first year of work to buy a camera. I feel very satisfied when I capture artifacts I like. And perhaps even more beautiful is the friends I have met because of this hobby in cultural heritage.
Cultural Relics#
I quite like this passage by Wang Zengqi in "The Grass and Trees of the Human World" about Shen Congwen: "What he sees in these crafts is the creativity of the laborers. His admiration for these beautiful shapes, incredible colors, and wonderfully exquisite techniques is an admiration for humanity. What he loves is not the objects, but the people; his childlike innocence and passion for a piece of craft move people."
Characters#
When I was in elementary school, I particularly liked a magazine called "Children's Literature," where there were several illustrators I admired. I would repeatedly look at their hand-drawn illustrations for literary works. In middle school, I became fond of reading comics like "Heart of Painting," and I started to find and copy comics from magazines or comic books. That should be considered my earliest conscious enlightenment and exploration in painting. Later, I attended a Chinese painting interest class, and looking back, it was quite accidental; this journey has been full of coincidences.
Later, when I started working, I often searched for beautiful book covers or illustrations on Kong Network and even created a topic in my notes dedicated to this. I also have a topic in my notes classified as "Stationery," where I saved many planners and related stationery that I thought were nice.
It feels like a response to those small interests from my childhood. Although I couldn't realize them at that time, I feel there is still an opportunity in the future, step by step, to continue painting. I also yearn for that kind of experience of painting while walking, carrying a small stool, a scientific brush, and portable watercolor pens, with my planner that I can easily take out and draw from my pocket, sitting there sketching the scenery and people I encounter. I look forward to going further on the path of painting and painting more of what I want to paint.
Recipes#
After starting work, I began trying to learn to cook and would record recipes with my brush. Just as Fuxia said in "Shark Fin and Peppercorn": "Food is a very safe enjoyment; people can relax without fear and find freedom and comfort in it." Continuously trying to find familiar tastes or memories in food is probably a bit of comfort in a drifting life.
For me, this is also the charm of food, allowing me to not become numb so quickly in this fast-paced life, and to cross back to the past in moments of respite. Remembering the path I took makes me cherish everything at present even more. This journey has not been easy, and the curious, passionate, optimistic, and brave little girl who was once full of curiosity about life and nature should not be forgotten.
In a big city with a fast pace, people inevitably become increasingly atomized by the repetitive daily life, and assembly-line work makes people more standardized and mechanized, becoming more like "screws." This model can easily be unconsciously brought into daily life. For a long time, I was like this, even calculating time down to the minute. I really needed a "leisurely" way to relax, like cooking.
Just like before New Year's, I was always advised, told that taking photos of sunsets is serious business, told to eat well, and to update the "Little Vine Recipe." Yet I always treated it as background noise, still self-pushing, constantly compromising myself, denying my past self on the path of rushing forward—looking at myself through the lens of what I now call pragmatism or utilitarianism, too "romantic," "detached from reality," and "idealistic."
Just like the song in "You Were Once a Young Man": "Sometimes you miss the days gone by, but when innocence leaves, you didn't say a word; you just waved your hand, like throwing away a piece of waste paper."
I realized too late that food is not only a taste experience but also an important carrier of my beautiful memories. These familiar tastes can wash away my irritability and restlessness, allowing me to unconsciously relax, slow down, and savor the deliciousness of the moment. It also makes me suddenly aware that while there are countless difficulties and challenges in life, there are also many beautiful things, and I must not lose sight of the essence.
No matter how busy I am, I must eat well.
Daily Life#
I use my brush to record some daily interactions with friends. Regarding friendship, I think it is like what L once said to me: "I think one important and precious aspect of friendship is witnessing and remembering the past you. So even if one day you forget your former self, I will help you remember. I believe that even if the past you has died, it still lives on in the hearts of friends. Therefore, I also want to remember what my friends were like back then, allowing the past them to safely reside in my heart; this is the meaning of friendship."
I am really lucky to have friends around me who remember the past me. Thanks to you, I can continue to paint.
At some crossroads where I hesitated or in valleys where I wanted to give up, my friends brought me so much encouragement and affirmation, making me feel that I was never fighting alone. Thus, a person like me dares to take step after step, gradually stepping out of my little world, and when picking up a sixpence, I also look up at the sky.
The environment is ever-changing, and this is probably a thread of certainty in this uncertain life.